Dumb ways to die

If all goes to plan I’m going to live a full, long life — a life filled to the brim with adventure and love, and all sorts of stuff, but have you thought about how you’re going to go? Most haven’t.

I have thought about quite a few different scenarios in which I may exit this world. All of these are out of the ordinary and, if any of them happen, I hope my family has good life insurance.

Scenario 1: Getting lost in the woods and being eaten by a bear. This one may very well happen. I have zero sense of direction. I get lost in Sulphur Springs and I’ve lived here my entire life.

I never have and never will go camping for this reason exactly. What if I do get lost? I don’t have survival skills. The closest thing I have for reference is like Bear Grylls. I don’t know how to start a fire. I wasn’t a Boy Scout! Am I supposed to run from a bear or try to scare it?

Scenario 2: Alien Abduction. If I get abducted by aliens I will not come back. I will specifically request a one way ticket. I don’t want to be probed by them. I would actually prefer them to take a cow or something.

If I do get abducted by slimy, green, 84-eyed critters, I will no longer be myself. I’ll probably be devoid of human characteristics.

Scenario 3: A piano falling through a roof, onto my head. We’ve seen it in the movies, so it could theoretically happen.

I feel like this would happen to me simply because I really want to have a piano in my house one day, but I don’t actually have any idea how to play one. The piano falling on my head would be like spite from the piano gods for having a piano and not being able to play it.

Scenario 4: Getting stabbed by a used needle. I had a dream about this once. I was walking down the street and somebody picked up a needle off of the ground and stabbed me with it.

I’m not sure what happened next because my dream fast forwarded to my funeral. Death did not look good on me. I was GREEN.

Scenario 5: Getting eaten alive by cats. This is constantly on my mind. I will not be a single woman in a house full of cats for this reason.

I love kitties, but if they start to take too much of a liking to me, it’s over for them. I refuse to be their next meal.

Scenario 6: Shark attacks. If a shark ever gets a hold of me, I’m going to go down swinging.

Sea-critters scare me. If a stingray can kill Steve Irwin, then, I don’t stand much chance in the great blue sea.

As you can tell, I have too much time on my hands and a very active imagination. I have dreams like this a lot, if you’re one of those dream analyzer people, please contact my Facebook with what these dreams mean. I have so many more of these, but I’m on a word count here people.

Thanks for reading this week, merry spring break.