I have a very 'rare' medical condition

Since I fell on the ice during our memorable snowstorm in February, it appears I’ve developed a one-of-a-kind medical condition. Doctors were able to diagnose half of it, but the other half, I believe may be unheard of, at least in the medical community. You see, I’ve researched this to the point of exhaustion, I’ve been to the hospital, had a CAT scan and in my most desperate move, I even asked “Dr. Google,” and even he/she couldn’t tell me that my apparent condition even exists, but I know it does. Yes folks, I believe I’ve developed Sciatic Tourette’s.

I’m about to turn 59 years of age in a couple of months and I’ve known severe pain in my life. No, it wasn’t from the two failed marriages, I’m talking about kidney stone pain. My late-Father, without my permission, left me his kidney stones in his will and I’ve had five attacks since I was 35 years old, so I know what pain feels like and I normally can handle it, but this case of Sciatic Tourette’s is kicking my butt, literally, the right side to be specific. I’m now walking with what Southerners refer to as a “hitch in my giddy up,” and I’ve had just about enough.

I’m not a doctor, obviously, but from what I can tell, when the sciatic pain hits, it triggers the Tourette’s in my brain and what ends up happening always seems to involve four-syllable words emanating from my mouth. Specifically, a four-syllable word about “moms” comes out and I’m quite embarrassed. If you come upon me during a Sciatic Tourette’s attack, please forgive me and know that isn’t me, it’s the disease. One person suggested that I try and find a deeper relationship with God. I’m a Christian and it’s during these attacks that I find myself actually screaming out God’s name, followed by things I’m too ashamed to admit.

And to top it off, my insurance company won’t cover it. They claim that Sciatic Tourette’s is “not a real disease” and the “Tourette’s part is most likely a “pre-existing condition,” and I should “sober up before I call them again.” OK, I’ll admit that in my life, when I’ve stubbed my toe in the middle of the night, that particular four-syllable word has come out of my mouth, but I swear, this is real and totally unrelated. I wonder if there are people out there just like me, only suffering in silence. Maybe we can start a support group?

So, the medical community can’t help me. The religious route isn’t working. The insurance industry has shunned me. What in the world can I do to cure my Sciatic Tourette’s? I’m open to any and all suggestions, because this pain is #$@&% killing me! See, it happened again.