My letter to Santa

Dear Santa: I know it’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me, I’m really sorry about that. But I figured since we are publishing a big special section on Dec. 24th, and it’s called, “Letters to Santa,” that I might as well drop you a quick note.

So, I know you know whether I’ve been naughty or nice, so we won’t even go there. But since the last time I wrote to you, a few things have changed about me. My daughters grew up and moved away. I’m divorced and I moved to the South, where the humidity is insane, so I usually shave my head during the really humid months, basically March until November. But now, during the cooler months, I’ve accidentally taken on your look. I’m not trying to steal your thang, but my hair and beard, which I’ve let grow, turned white and I really enjoy eating, so after participating in No-Shave November, I’m rocking your look.

Thankfully you have Mrs. Claus, because if you didn’t, I can only imagine the game you’d have up there in the North Pole. Man, this look has made me a babe magnet. OK, I’m being naughty, so I’ll stop before I get nothing but a lump of coal for Christmas. And you know that I’m lying anyway. Hang on to Mrs. Claus because no one is digging this look, but hey, I like it for now, it’s keeping me warm.

Here’s my list for this year. I only want five very simple things. I’m not asking for a lot.

1. Good health and prosperity for my two daughters, my family and my staff.

2. Make sure my Chicago Cubs make it to the World Series next October.

3. Get Sophia Vergara to lift her restraining order and go out with me.

4. Grant me the ability to walk around an entire Buc-ee’s without getting lost or needing a defibrillator.

5. See number 3.

Thanks Santa! I’ll try to not make it such a long time between letters. Now get on my list please!

Thanks, Dave