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Dave Shabaz
This recent snowstorm really got me thinking about getting old. I’m sure you’re wondering how snow can make a 58-year-old man think about how old he’s getting. Well, let’s just say as of now, falling in public is no longer on my list of things I’m glad I haven’t done. Yeah, we’re just going to scratch that baby off my list, but we’ll get to that later.
Let’s go back a few decades to when this all began. As a young man who actively competed in sports, that first groin pull in your early 30’s, yeah, that’s an eye opener. Learning that you can no longer just park your car, walk up the plate during your Men’s softball league game, hit a slow roller to short and run as fast as you can to first base, without ripping and tearing everything from the waist down and knees up. Groin, quads, hamstrings, you name it. All of a sudden, I had to show up a half-an-hour early just to go through a round of stretches like I was the new chubby guy in Cirque du Soleil. Yes, I started really feeling old then.
Let’s jump ahead to my late 30’s, when I discovered, while still playing competitive softball three-nights a week, plus weekend tournaments, that I no longer had the reflexes to play my two normal positions, 3rd base and pitcher. The reason I could no longer play these positions was due to the new titanium bats that had recently come out. These bats turned guys like me, with decent warning track power in a 300 ft park, into Mickey “Freakin” Mantle. The downside of that was having to play defense, and two specific plays come to mind. The one hopper to third that nailed my upper thigh. Yes, it hurt, but what hurt more was knowing that ball hit me about an inch to the left, I would have received a free vasectomy. Then, during another week later that season, while pitching, a line drive went past my head, so fast, I didn’t even have time to raise my glove. Only by the grace of God did I not get drilled in the face or forehead. Yes, I felt even older then before.
OK, it’s now my early 40’s and I’m playing in my usual Thanksgiving Day tackle football game. We didn't wear helmets or pads, we didn’t need no stinkin pads. Or so I thought. Playing tight end, I went over the middle and catch a short pass and got drilled in the ribcage by one of the defenders. Luckily, I was playing with a bunch of firemen and ambulance drivers and they got me breathing again. The guy who hit me almost broke his neck. He ended up being fine, but we both ended up in the ER. The real pain came later. You see, I was married at the time and having to listen to my now ex-wife, tear into me, was almost as painful as the hit I took. I can still hear her now, “Good, I’m glad you got hurt. When are you going to finally realize that you’re not 18 anymore?” This went on for the entire time I was injured. Yes, I felt even older then before and now I was praying daily for deafness to set in.
We aren’t going to talk about my bald spot that introduced itself in my early 50’s. But needless to say, that’s why I tend to shave my head. My sisters, daughters, ex-wife, etc., hate when I shave my head because they all love my white hair, but I hate that bald spot and refuse to do some ridiculous combover. So that’s why you’ll see me shave my head periodically, because yes, it makes me feel even older then before.
This leads up to this last weekend. I was walking around on the ice like I was a 90-year-old. I wouldn’t look up, took tiny steps, I couldn’t have been more careful. That is, right up until I got into a crowd and looked up for a split second and BAM, I was down hard. The back of my head was bleeding, and I’ll admit, it felt like that football hit I once took. I want to thank the strangers who helped me up, but man, was I embarrassed. I just wanted to get the heck out of there. I can’t believe I found my car after hitting the back of my head like that and that I made it home, which was only a five-minute drive, thank God. But that is what really got me thinking about getting old. Man, falling in public. It was honestly the first time I was really glad I had a mask on. I Facetimed all the women in my life about what happened, my two daughters, my two sisters, and my ex-wife and of course I got lectures from all of them about “being more careful,” and “why didn’t you have snow boots, blah, blah, blah.” I finally had to tell all of them, “look, you’re not helping, in fact, you’re making this worse for me.” I said to them, “you know why I don’t have snow boots and snow stuff? Because I live in freakin Texas and it’s not supposed to snow like we live in Green Bay or Chicago for the Love of God!!”
Yes, I am officially old, at 58. I’m now stocking up on Geritol. I’m looking into a walk-in shower and a reverse mortgage from Tom Selleck. Wait, I can't get one of those while renting, right? Anyway, my head is feeling better and if you see me walking like I'm Betty White's dinner date, you'll know why.