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Annie Lane
Dear Annie: My brother and I are in our early 50s, and our mom has dementia. Our personal lives could not be more different. I have kids and have been married for 25 years. I returned to the workforce full time five years ago after having been a stay-athome mom. My brother is a newlywed of three years, no kids, and works on big projects for his line of work. He also has had some gaps between projects. My brother is adamant that our mom not live in a nursing home, so he took Prior to that, we shared caretaking in Mom's home for about nine months, but we knew we couldn't sustain it. We found ourselves leaving our spouses and children. Our work suffered, and we were exhausted. Now my brother has gotten overwhelmed and told me he is tired of doing more than me, which I acknowledge because she lives in his house.
His wife won't come out to greet me when I visit to get my mom every weekend, and my brother will only communicate by text furiously -- if at all. He is physically exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed and seeing a doctor for anxiety and depression. He angrily confronts me (on text) and accuses me of being the cause of his anxiety, and then in front of our mom pretends he hasn't accused me of awful things. He won't meet with me and says he wants a mediator to work out what to do. I have said I will not have her move in because I know I cannot handle it -- emotionally or logistically.
There is bad history between my mom and me, and while I have mostly put it aside to assist, I know I cannot handle her in my home. I did take her in (pre-dementia), and it took a toll on my well-being, and I felt unable to take care of my kids and myself ulti I have to say no to taking on the care of my mom. How do I live without feeling terrible when my brother has called me evil and demands more of me than I have to give? -- Good Mom, Wife, Friend, and Evil Daughter Dear Good Mom: Why did you sign your letter 'Evil Daughter and Sister'? You are a wonderful daughter, trying the best you can. It sounds like you and your brother have differing opinions on what is in the best interest for your mother and her health. You both want what's best for her and need to get on the same team. Perhaps you should meet with a mediator, as your brother proposed, and if you are dissatisfied with the meetings, you might seek a professional doctor who can best advise as to what would help your mother live the best life she possibly can.
As for your brother blaming you for his depression and anxiety, that is unfortunate. He is clearly hurting and needs professional treatment.
'How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?' is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http:// www.creatorspublishing. com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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