ADVICE COLUMN: Dear Annie

Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I have a family of grandnieces and nephews who never say thank you or let you know they received their gift. They are young, and I'd blame my niece for not teaching them, but she has five children, and I can imagine it's hard for her to find the time to teach them to say thank you.

My mom, the greatgrandma, stopped sending them gifts because she never heard if they liked them or even if they received them. I don't want to do that. I blame the parents more and would still send $20 for each of their birthdays. So I sent the oldest, my 14-year-old grandniece, a birthday card with a $20 bill in it, and I sent a text wishing her a happy birthday on her birthday. She thanked me for the birthday wishes but never mentioned the card. So I waited a few days and texted her to see if she got the card, and she replied 'yes.' That's it — just 'yes.'

She's 14, and I'm starting to feel like my mother — that if she can't even type the words 'thank you,' why do I bother? I waited six weeks to see if she would mail a thank-you card, but nothing.

The other grandnieces and nephews from other families send us a text with a picture or video thanking us. They are all out of state, and all I want is an acknowledgement that it got there and how it meant a lot to them that we are thinking of them on their special day.

It's just this one family, and I didn't want to treat them differently, like my mom does. My husband says to overlook it because it's how they are raised, but I feel I should let my grandniece know that if she can't appreciate the gift, then I will just wish her a happy birthday through text and call it a day. I feel she's old enough to understand that she should thank someone. — Unappreciated

Dear Unappreciated: You are correct that she is certainly old enough to understand. Her mother is doing her a disservice by not teaching her the importance of gratitude. It has the power to create great things. It is your money, so do what makes you feel most comfortable, and if that is not giving her money anymore, then don't give it. But I would convey to her WHY you have stopped. She might not even know. A mother is not the only person who can influence good manners on a child. A great aunt can certainly have a positive influence, so talk with her first.

Dear Annie: If I may, could I make another suggestion to go along with 'Concerned Animal Lover's' list? Every month, I donate several small bags of cat and dog food to our local food bank. A good friend of mine volunteers there, and she once told me the story of an elderly man who came in looking for food for his cat. All she had was pouches of tuna.

That really made me think. I know a lot of people will go hungry in order to feed their beloved pets. And with today's economy, it's even more difficult for some to make ends meet. So, I would like to encourage people to donate some pet food to their local food banks to help people out.

— Another Animal Lover

Dear Animal Lover: What a wonderful suggestion. Thank you.

Dear Annie: I have a friend who I have known since junior high (we're now in our mid-60s). We weren't super close friends but always stayed in touch even though we lived across the country from each other. She married another dear friend I've known even longer. They were married for over 30 years and have two children.

Fast-forward to two years ago. My husband and I moved to retire, and the place we chose happens to be in the same area where they live. They were the only people we knew here when we arrived. We had lots of fun together as couples, but we could see that their relationship was not good and the tension between them was harsh.

Our daughter moved here shortly after we did and met their son, and they are now in a serious relationship.

Our couple friends finally divorced, and we were trying to maintain friendships with both, but it became difficult for many reasons. A year later, the ex-husband revealed he is gay. We are fine with that, but she has drawn a line that if we want to remain her friend, we can't be his friend. There are numerous reasons, but we have discovered many things in her life that we can't deal with.

This wouldn't be a problem except for our children's relationship. The ex-wife has turned her son against his father, and he won't go anywhere with his father or be involved with anything where his father is involved. We have tried very hard to remain neutral, but it's causing problems for our children.

We see both sides — all sides, really — but when we try to get together with the ex-wife, she consistently bashes our friend and says and does terribly toxic things, even to our daughter.

Any advice on how to proceed with this rat's nest to help our children? — When Friends Divorce

Dear Friends Divorce: Say exactly what you said in this letter to the ex-wife. You are still friends with her ex-husband and you do not like the way she talks about him. Just like if he were to speak unkindly about her, you would say the same thing and hold him to the same standard. Tell her that she can talk about anything else except badmouthing her ex.

In many ways, her son is half her ex-husband, so speaking ill of the boy's father only hurts her own son. Ask her to follow the rule that if you don't have something nice to say about your ex, don't say anything at all.

Your friend is grieving, so be patient with her as she goes through this process. She is understandably angry about her ex-husband's deceit regarding his sexuality. And she has every right to speak with a professional or a friend, who is not friends with her ex, and try to process what happened.

'How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?' is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book.

ADVICE COLUMN: Dear Annie

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