Advice | Ask Annie
Dear Annie: My mom is in her 80s and in so-so health. She’s at home for now with a full-time caregiver. There are three siblings who all take turns with her. The problem is that we’ve started to disagree. Even though the decision-makers are legally in writing, the oldest constantly battles us for what she wants to happen in any given situation. We end up caving in and resenting her to keep peace in the family.
Three is never a good number anyway; someone is always the odd one out. Rest assured, it is never her. At times, we get a barrage of phone calls and emails on Mom — what she ate, if she pooped, if she needs milk at the store, you name it.
Annie, all these things are insignificant and solvable. We all see her regularly, and we trust the aides who are doing a great job and are well paid by Mom’s estate, thanks to my dad leaving her in a good spot financially. I am worried about the bullying and the controlling if something critical were to arise, like if Mom needed assisted living or broke a hip.
We get berated and screamed at by the oldest if she doesn’t get her way. I love my mom and just want to visit her for as long as she has left, without the family angst. In addition, I want to spend time with my own family without being summoned for a pseudo-emergency on a weekend. Mom’s time left is precious little, but my time now is busy with work and kids, so I am trying to make the most of it and keep everyone happy.
I can’t seem to get through to this family member. When I raise these issues, she accuses me of not pitching in and seeing Mom as an inconvenience, neither of which are true. We’ve tried taking turns, assigning jobs or situations, and she ends up sticking her finger in all pies and going over our heads anyway. I feel this wastes everyone’s time. The last straw came when, on the advice of a friend, we had chosen a new doctor specialist for Mom and made an appointment. My sister canceled it so we could interview other doctors, something that the rest of us felt was unnecessary, not to mention that it delayed my mom’s visit. I am quickly approaching caregiver burnout even though I am not physically tasked with the diaper-changing or the errand-running. My mom is unaware of this as she is sometimes in a happy fuzzy state. — Concerned Care-Daughter
Dear Concerned Care-Daughter: Caving in and then resenting your sister is never a good way to repair relationships. On the other hand, it sounds like your sister has taken it upon herself to think that she knows best for your mom, and she is going to make that known. If you are not interested in daily calls and emails about your mom, kindly ask your sister to stop sending them.
If you are super busy with work and family, and your sister is not so busy, why not let her make more decisions? Your only real goal is for Mom to be happy. If letting some of your sister’s overbearing or overprotective tendencies slide, so long as no one is getting hurt, then do it. It is difficult to watch your parent age, and everyone deals with this differently. Her way might be trying to micromanage everything, and your way might be to have a short fuse with her micromanaging.
In addition, you began your letter by saying that three’s a crowd. Perhaps your sister is feeling left out. Be the bigger person and try to include her more or hear what is driving her concerns.