Past stuck in future

Image
Body

Dear Annie: Why am I in a quandary? Because I have been married most of my adult life, and I feel almost nothing for my partner of 33 years, and I’m sure we are both just going through the motions of the relationship. Don’t misunderstand; I care deeply for this person. I just feel unfulfilled, and I can’t explain it.

I guess it’s complacency on both our parts. She says she loves me, but she had an affair a couple of years ago with her old boyfriend, and even with counseling, I can’t seem to put it in the past.

Do you have any suggestions for me? Believe me, I have not been a saint in our marriage, but I have not cheated. — In a Quandary

Dear In a Quandary: Your quandary is within you, and you have the choice of whether or not to truly forgive your wife. It sounds like you are — understandably — still feeling upset and hurt about her affair. Consider going back into counseling and working through your relationship. As far as feeling unfulfilled by her, fulfillment does not come from another person. It comes from within yourself. Healthy relationships flourish when two fulfilled people come together and accompany each other on this beautiful journey of life.

Dear Annie: My fiance and I have been together for three years, and we have two children together. In addition, each one of us has a child from another partner.

His child is a girl who lives with her mother in another state. We went on vacation in November to visit her as a family — our two children plus my child from a different relationship. Everything went great, and now there is a vacation planned for next month with his family to go visit his daughter again. However, the mother of his child is saying I am not allowed to come because she doesn’t want me around her daughter. This is because we had a confrontational conversation.

His ex has always tried to come between us, and I feel that this is her way of accomplishing that because she knows I will be very upset over it. I feel that it’s not a fair situation. At the same time, if I were to go, I would not be happy about having to be away from two of my children (my child and one of ours). He wants to leave the 3-month-old with me while everyone else is in another state for a week. I have never been away from my children for more than two days, and we have never been in different states.

Am I wrong for feeling that it’s not fair that he will be on vacation while the baby and I are left behind? Am I wrong for feeling that I shouldn’t be away from my children, and she shouldn’t have control over this situation? — Left Out

Dear Left Out: I’m never going to tell you that you are wrong for feeling what you feel. Your husband has a relationship with his daughter that is separate from you, and you have to accept that.

Maybe this is a good time for you to bring them with you on a vacation with a friend, or with your parents. Or to just enjoy your children’s company. There is something to be said about quality alone time, and that is exactly what your husband is giving you by going on a trip with his daughter.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.